Wednesday, December 18, 2013

SSR Almost a year

"And he will wipe every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away." - Revelation 21:4

This is the scripture that's on the memorial card given out at my brother's funeral. He passed away on January 26th, 2013. For a long while he was all I thought about, the only thing that got me through the day was the thought that he was with me, and knowing that everything I did was to make him proud. He was always my motivator. He was always the one that said "you're going to be the one who is going to make it. You're going to college." 
When I met my boyfriend, I started to thing of Michael less and less. Deshawn became sort of a replacement, an emotional rebound. It came to the point where I would ask myself "why haven't I thought of Michael? Why have I stopped trying to make him proud?" Deshawn made me forget all the sadness I was harboring within me, and I always wondered how I got over Michael's death so fast. Truth is, I wasn't over it, I was just distracted. Now that its been almost a year, I think of him more and more. Being that I got accepted to the college of my choice, I wonder if he's proud of me. I thought I'd be super happy, but in reality, I'm not. Not one bit. On top of that, my relationship isn't doing too well, and I think we're on the verge of breaking up. Now that I spend a lot of my time alone, I have time to sort through all those thoughts I suppressed almost a year ago. I'm turning 18 in about a month. January 22. It's crazy to think that he passed 4 days after my birthday, but when I found out, my birthday suddenly became unimportant. I just don't care anymore.
Ive been with Deshawn almost a year, and we're drifting apart. Ive been dealing with Michael's death almost year. Only difference is that on of those years is shorter than the other.
Either way, It's been almost a year. 

1 comment:

  1. Have you been to any type of therapy since your brother's death? I went for a few sessions after my cousin's. It didn't really solve anything, but it helped me feel healthier and less depressed.

    Break-ups stink, no matter what the situation or how much your life might change for better or worse afterwards. I hope you come to find your life gets better.

    Finally, it's a little strange, but my birthday is right after yours... January 26th. I hope you and your family are able to celebrate yours fully.